Living with the enemy, then talk about it, is it possible ?
Can I live with it, kill it, fight it, talk about it,
then try kill it again,
....all in a day?
It is now exactly 6 months since I wrote my first ever legitimised albeit horrific email. Who ever knew it would be addressed to my own employer? Never in my wildest dreams did I ever consider such a notion. I had this text sitting on my email app in my smartphone for over an hour, yes, for 60 minutes after the no-warning shock news that was delivered coldly and clinicaly to my hospital bedside. That dreadful, costic infused, confidence filled and arrogantly delivered 'chat' that Aidan Murphy has Pancreatic Cancer- I DO NOT !!
I have Gastro Cancer (tumour in my stomach). I lost 2 stone of my body weight in the following 14 days after this muck-up. I was discharged from hospital just 2 days into this fiasco. I fretted, panted and cried the following two weeks at home in bed, trying desperately to grasp this (unknown untruth) as I methodically and carefully planned my very own impending funeral. Future Advise: Do not ever attempt this under these circumstances. Everytime Aoife or Alison left my bedroom, I just curled up in a ball and wept-profusely, so deepely, matched with a white knuckle death grab on my tear soaked pillow. This last paragraph that you have just read is no word of a lie, I swear to you. It would take my first meeting with my separate Oncology team 14 days later, before this grotesque record was set straight.
It's unreal how quick, how rocky and dare I say it, how sickening this 24.5 week time frame has collapsed into one fold for me. Yes, I've been counting the days. Why ? On the downer side of these bruteful moments, my mind sees all this as a sick (in all flavours of the word) and very cruel prison term. Wheather I'm sitting in that car, people watching out that big plate glass window, I hear a voice in my inner ear reminding me that I am seriously ill, but that person I am watching live right now is not. Of course, here (in my blog) of all places, we know never to jump to that imature assumption and of course never judge a book by its cover, but I think you get my point. I'ts not that I feel I'm any better than that person, I certainly do not. I'm just people watching. But I do get caught up in my own emotions and of course what duly follows these thoughts? what did I do to get to carry this cross?? That person, that complete stranger I'm now curiously people watching has no idea, hasn't the foggiest as to what I'm going thru. It's a whole imbalance, or is it?
With that, a rush like column of cool air grabs my attention, whistles thru my mind.
My concentration has momentarily mis-slipped or should that word be 'counterfired?'
I notice another person is now people watching too, but they are watching me. I start to think to myself. This person (watching me, watching others) may very well be resonating along my own people watching thoughts but what if, what if this individual has a more severe Cancer than me? A severe, traumatised and chronic depressive illness that I thankfully and mercifully do not have. A more pressing issue at home? And that's it, we'll never know, we are not meant to. Pull back Aidan, pull back. I do.
I'm here living with my enemy. An enemy who I have sworn to rip its heart out (if it only had a heart). Will I get to kill it ? Will it keep on reducing as it reacts to the perfect poison my poor body gets infected with? I often wonder does my body and indeed my mind realise that everything that's part of me, must get very sick first before it gets better? Dear god, St. Pio, please pass this on to my mind and soul, it needs to know.
My plan, as I have previously alluded to here, is to get out more and talk about this.
I've always being reminded that I'm well able to write about it. My monocularity knock back at age 5, my current and present inoperable cancer at age 49. Sometimes it takes others that are close to us to see thru the fog (my fog). To have that insightful thought about somebody else. I have been getting heaps of encouragement to go out more and motivate thru my talks as I'm nursing my ill health. I can certainly vouch for the positivity and soul filling high spirits that I will personally get out of it. If I can harness that on my transmit side, surely others are benefiting on their receive side? I will of course need to be acutely aware of the where and when I can do this.
But the more I think about it, the more I want to do it.
Watch this space, plans are being drawn up.
Thanks so much for reading my blog folks.
Have a cracking weekend.
.. Murf. Xxx