An Unacceptable Acceptance and if the hat fits? wear it !!
I am not going to lie to you. This particular blog is probably the toughest one I have yet to write. It is now two weeks since my favourite CT Scan machine in the world fired up and processed images telling me that my tumour has decided to latch on to two other areas in my gastro area, the same proximity where we were originally fighting it. Change of plans ensue and in true 2017 fashion and timing, my Oncology team have on demand, a suite of firepower that will target these specific areas of interest. Yes, this development did throw me for sure. But also, YES, I know I have to trust my medical team in the Bon Secours Hospital and of course, I do.
As I rest up here at home over the past week, my mind appears to have refocussed on a different approach to my illness. Today's new word for me is 'ACCEPTENCE'.
You see, I can still keep assaulting this Cancer in my head. I have been doing exactly that instinctively, since that body shock blow of news I received last September. Is there another way to infiltrate and disseminate my inoperable parasitical tumorous bastard?
I have wound right back the contempt and indeed pure aggression I hold for my cancer. Fighting it with pure hatered is exhausting but it's not just that.
I have now totally accepted what I have, which actually takes my upfront aggression away from my minds eye. Yes, this cancer of mine is my prize enemy number 1. But I am not going to jump back into the ring and start boxing the living daylights out of it. Instead, I sterenly salute this piece of evil and rather than beat it up again in my mind, I step one side and I CONSERVE my energy.
There is NO future.
It has not been decided yet, that's FACT. The only entity that is truly here, is the now.
BUT I do know that there might be a next.
I need and of course dearly want this persumptous 'next' step to work out.
I need to grasp just one titanium clad word
to add to my arsenal.. ENERGY.
Not being in 'imminent' assault mode means I can gather myself, my blasts of positive awareness and begin to think more cunningly on what my next constructive game plan is. Just because you see a fire burning, does not necessarily mean it is doing so out of control. The phrase "your nearest exit may be behind you" is coming into my head right now.
And that's it !!
Jump up and have a good look around, the obvious is not always that obvious, is it?
So having faced up to it, and using my acceptance as a way of mitigating and circumventing what I consider to be wasted negative energy on myself, including my cancer, my new mindset is a real eye opener for me. This new flavour of approach is rolling very smoothly for me and my new refreshable bandwith that I have now just rechristened brainwidth. But why should that be?
Put yourself as an indebted customer to your bank and let's say you are in a sizeable arrears with them. The money they need from you last month, next month, the following month, is just in no way acheivable. The situation seems hopeless, you see no way out and you stop engaging with Mr. Bank. Then the obvious happens and a fight breaks out with said bank. You are at loggerheads with each other. Like two prize cockrills strutting their stuff in the fighting ring. Continue on this course and NOBODY wins. Remember, two things have not changed: you still owe the money and Oh, that sneaky interest clock is quietly but lovingly ticking away in the background too.
Would it not be better to meet up with Mr.Bank, acknowledge things need to be sorted and then be part of a restructured solution. Now you still owe them the same money, but we have changed things. Now it's going to work out but will do so on your terms, not just theirs. Fighting energy is now no longer required, infact having it available was a guilt edged waste of resources.
So, street fighting my cancer is now so yesterday's news. I'm quiet happy to walk thru the woods, see a flame but one which does not necessarily dictate or assume that the whole forest is now on fire.
My mind space has now fresh air flowing thru it. That stale fighting smell is gone. The clouds are fizzling away in a very encouraging manner and Murf's blue sky has come out to play. My cancer is sitting over there in the corner. It's got a look of a bold banker about it, where sharp practise and dirty tactics may have been deployed during the time we were rowing and fighting. But I've stopped throwing and lambasting the punches now. I no longer need that last word. That trapped energy in my head-space is now being redeployed. I'm going to be using it as a safe room. Safe/strong rooms have their uses, even for cancer sufferers just like me. It is better I run to a safe room when needed, rather than just flight it out in the middle of a dark muddy, desolate and isolated field.
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If the hat fits.....
These HQ embroidered baseball hats have just arrived.
Superb fit, even for my big head 😂😂.
It carries my favourite message along with my personal website, aidanmurphy.com
As such, I am passing this custom embroidered cap on at cost.
Happy to ship worldwide, where I will personally pay full shipping costs.
(This is just my way in contributing towards spreading the word).
All funds received go towards the advance ordering of additional caps.
Cost price is €15.99 (+ free shipping worldwide on me).
Simply CLICK HERE to pay.
Remember to add your full shipping address as a note within the PayPal payment process.
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