Dark clouds brought a demon, but the sun broke thru too.
Dark Demons cometh but the Sun arrived.
"How do you manage to always be in a bubbly humour wearing a smile?"
This is a casual question / remark that gets sent my way every so often. Yes, I do always put the good side out, that's just my DNA I suppose. I always say, smiles and hugs are free and I do like them both. So when out and about, you'll certaintly get one and if I know you well enough, perhaps both off me.
As I fight my bastard tumour (I'm not being ignorant, but I'm not it's parent, retrospectively), hence my common use of that 'B' word. I am just as human as you and YOU, so my mind is well up for receiving dark thoughts too. Just last week, totally zonked from my chemo, I go to bed early, 4pm early. Lieing silently and tired on the bed, this dark (quite dark) cloud decided to pay me a visit.
Whatever possessed the following thoughts to enter my mind at that particular moment in time is anybody's guess, but I strongly suspect, the fact that I could hear Aoife next door having lots of fun with one of her friends perhaps possibly triggered something off. This cloud got darker and implanted a horrible thought (as dark could tend to do) in the forefront of my mind. If I my illness progress to a rapid degradation of my wellbeing which I was not prepared for, how can I be sure, my passing is handled in a way I personally would want? not that I would have a say in it per say...
I didn't panic on this, even as the cloud insisted on getting darker, but I was very much tempted to send a message to my trusted close friends and loyal lieutenants, right there and then. Who do I tell or indeed trust to ensure only bright colours (the louder the better) come to my mass, the dark cloud shouting this at me. The darkness was about to get darker. Whom could I trust to speak from the heart and if the priest permitted, could explain to the assembled congregation what I was all about, even if to this very moment, I'm still not sure myself? Would one of my Monday night visitors be in a position to do this ? I had the messsage typed within my smartphone to send, but I just couldn't hit the that send button. I didn't send because it's what that dark cloud would have wanted. I was not going to stoop to it's level. Yes the suggestion was perhaps proper, yes the right person was within my sights, but I steadfastly refused to follow that cloud into that dark room. If things ever go south, Iwill have time to fire that flare, why wouldn't I, right ?
In science class, we were all taught that 'for every action there will be an equal and opposite reaction', welcome back to one of Sir Issac Newtown's laws of physics, 3rd law if I recall. In this case my reaction was to get both physically and emotionally upset. I just preyed and hoped that my bedroom door would be left alone, thank goodness it was. I needed to deal with this cloud. Perhaps giving it some attention may not have been the smartest thing to do, but something tells me, it was not the dumbest. You see, I think it's important that I (and people in a similar position to me) do give recognition to these dark monsters, but that's as far as it goes. A brief salute of a knowledgment, BUT THEN I MOVE ON.
I think it's important to know that darkness IS indeed there and it's vital it's noticed and read but never ever agreed, aided or abetted with.
I firmly believe that this darkness was needed to know or indeed be aware of. It tells me in very strong terms where I do NOT want to be. Being aware of that, would suggest (to me anyway) that being privy to this, will focus my mind on where I do want to be right now.
A message to my fellow Cancer fighters: When I hit a low or indeed a mega low, I do not need to run my heart out to win this cruel game. What I do need to do, is play my heart out to do well in the first HALF of the game. If I can achieve that, THEN I will get a rest, refreshments and then and ONLY THEN run out on the pitch and be ready for the 2nd half. The latter was and is NEVER needed at the beginning, is it ? ... think about it. This works for me and I can assure you, I am in no way sports minded. If this comparison doesn't work for you (lets face it, we're all very different), let me share with you another approach: Think of your thoughts as TV channels: If your mind is currently setup in a negative mode - tuned in to receive horrible thoughts, lets call that the 'dark channel', if you will. Then pick up that remote (in your mind) and switch over to the 'Sunshine Channel'. My point being two fold here: (A) YES these exercises can and do work and (B) WE are always in full control of our thoughts even if your mind might be telling you otherwise. As I said in my last podcast: "the facts are the truth and only the truth are the facts".
I found the above thought techniques work very well for me anyway, hence my sharing them here. As I quote my aidanmurphy.com mantra:
"Let my experience help yours".
In some small way, I'm somehow achieving this, I hope...
turn on the sun..
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